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The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Junior had just received his brand new driver license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.
“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like how you have been doing to me for the last sixteen years.”
Three Roses
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her outer labia are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says: “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
“Don’t worry,” he says: “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”
“Who is the third rose from?” she asks.
“Oh,” says the doctor: “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:
“Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
“Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money.”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry Your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said and Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Some bustard has stolen our tent.”
Four Daughters
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their daughters. The first man told the others, “My daughter is a home builder and she’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My daughter was a car salesperson and now she owns a multi-line dealership. She’’s so successful that she gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My daughter is a stock broker and she’s doing so well that she gave her friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our daughters. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my daughter is a lesbian. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but she must be good. Her last three girlfriends gave her a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
To start the day right, follow the below-mentioned instructions:
1. Create a new file on your desktop.
2. Name it “George W. Bush”.
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you: “Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?”
6. Answer calmly “Yes” and press firmly on the mouse’s button.
From Cradle to Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t
help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of
a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the
eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose
she took it, do you?”
John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure”.
So, he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy
ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But,
the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not
saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.
